I am in a season of wreckage. This sort of splintering is not your typical kind. Though, I have been hurt -- I wake up some days with the hurt swelling over me like an angry rain cloud threatening to gush precipitation upon me. And this season has not been devoid of the rolling feelings, the tidal waves of emotion that hold my heart captive, vice gripping the joy right on out.
But we were never promised unfractured circumstances.
My anxiety has kicked itself back up, again. There is a chance that the self-medicating I do with caffeine does not help to prevent this . . . and yet I feel abnormal without the tightening of a chest chord from time to time.
I was slayed this morning by a Bible verse; it was one of those moments where I slurped in the last hot swallow of my morning brew and glanced down and held the coffee in my mouth so as not to spit it across the table -- because there He was, again, standing His ground with me and lovingly proving just how intricately He laced and knows my heart.
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there." (1 Corinthians 7:17 (MSG))
Because how often do I wake up in the morning and wish that I wasn't in my single girl house, in my single girl bed?
How many times do I wish for someone else to inhabit my house along with me?
Can I count the number of times I've wished for someone to watch that sunset with me, hold my hand while I cry, just be in the room with me when I receive good news? I'd certainly need more than just my two given hands . . .
I was not called to wish away my time with how I think I could improve it . . . let's get down to the breaking bones of it all and admit this -- we were not imprinted with the capabilities to improve our present circumstances . . . because we are designed for just this time.
This was a welcome reminder. It hurt - stinging as I swallowed it down and resigned to the fact that it's not up to me, it never will be.
I wake up in the morning in my single girl house, in my single girl bed, because I was brought to this opportunity. I've been given the time to make the walls my own, to really get to know my heart -- and it's blindingly beautiful to be given that chance. Because please let me be clear -- it was something I was given.
I came to Dayton a girl who did not like or appreciate or desire alone time - all people, all noise, all the time -- that was my heart's cry. And it wasn't there - people were not around whenever I wanted them. For this, I am thankful. I learned how to like being with myself. That is a gift.
Those sunsets? They are not made more magical by being shared with another person - He decorates the sky each night because He chose me., and He chose you, too. Because He loves this Steph right here. Not Steph plus one. And I have hands to hold and ears to share the good news with-- and all of those things are good, but I am not required to bring them in accompaniment to receive His love.
"Where you are now is God's place for you."
Right here - in Dayton, Ohio, after having drank milk and danced in my kitchen to Taylor Swift, I am where I need to be.
Right here - with a snoring, smelly-breathed dog next to me, I am where I need to be.
Right here - not knowing what will become of anything, only knowing He is sovereign, I am where I need to be.
It's time to stop wishing away these moments that were threaded delicately like lace just for me and start living, obeying, loving, and believing that whatever isn't meant for me will miss me and whatever is meant for me will not pass me by.
A peace like perfume settles into my pores to realize the comfort to be found when we trust in the One who has our best interests at heart.
This is a wreckage to become acquainted with.